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Instrument Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem:
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
4. Have you read the manual? Yes/No
5. Are you sure you’ve read the manual? Yes/No
6. Are you absolutely certain you’ve read the manual? Yes/No
7. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes/No
8. If 'Yes' then explain why you can’t fix the problem yourself:
9. Do you have a screwdriver in your hand? Yes/No
10. What were you doing at the time the problem occurred?
11. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you are holding a screwdriver?
12. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes/No
13. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes/No What's a VCR?
14. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes/No
15. Do you have any instruments that DO work? Yes/No
16. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes/No
17. Have you given the instrument a good whack on the top? Yes/No
18. Is the instrument on fire? Yes/No
19. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes/No

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

IF MICROSOFT BUILT CARS.....

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
6. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, perhaps not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, then open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?

Just received from the European Union's Brussels-based News Service:

The New Euro Language

The European Union Commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German - which was the only other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish - "Euro" for short.

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c", e.g. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced by "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters and WPs kan have one less letter. The National Kurrikulum will be revised akordingly.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make works like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptance of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e's" in the languag is disgrasful and they would go.

By the forth year, pepl will be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z", and "w" by "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" can be droped from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplied to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difkultis and evirvun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali hav kum tru.

If u do not find zis funy, ve hav vays of makin u laf.

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE ENGINEERING

The U.S. standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet 8.5 inches. That is an exceedingly odd number.

Q: Why was that gauge used?
A: Because that's the way they built them in England and the U.S. railroads were built by British expatriates.

Q: Why did the British build them that way?
A: Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways and that's the gauge they used.

Q: Why did "they" use that gauge then?
A: Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Q: Why did the wagons have that particular odd spacing?
A: Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

Q: So who built those old rutted roads?
A: The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts they feared would destroy their wagon wheels were first formed by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they all had the same wheel spacing. The U.S. standard railroad gauge of 4 feet 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what “horse's ass” came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back end of two war horses. Thus we have the answer to the original question.

Now the twist to the story! When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two booster rockets attached to the side of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRB's might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So, the major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's rear!

NEW TECHNOLOGY SOLVES EVERYTHING

Have you heard about the Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman discussing technological innovation…?

The Englishman believed that the best technology ever invented was the Concorde aircraft - "I know it crashed in 2000 but you can get from London to New York in just over 3 hours"

The Scotsman " No, it's the telephone - after all, it was invented by Scotsman Alexander Graham Bell -. You can call your friends on the other side of the world, such as Australia, in an instant!"

The Irishman said, " No, you're both wrong. To be sure, it's the Thermos vacuum flask!"

The others stood back in mystification as the Irishman explained "You see, you can put HOT liquids in, and it keeps them hot. You can put COLD liquids in, and it keeps them cold - but how does it KNOW?"

Editor's Comment: And so it goes with flow meters - How do you know that they measure accurately and repeatably? You calibrate them by PROVING! Check out API MPMS Chs 4 & 12

THERE WILL BE NO CHANGES AFTER THE MERGER

This man had a pet duck. Unfortunately it had a crooked bill which made it difficult to eat. The man took the duck to a veterinarian and discovered that the operation would cost $435 to cut the bill back. He decided that, for that amount, he would be better off to do it himself. The vet counselled the man that if he cut back the duck's bill too much, it might injure the duck or it could die.

A week later the veterinarian encountered the duck owner at a local store and asked him how his duck was doing. The owner replied that the duck had died. The vet said, "I warned you that would happen if you cut too much from its bill".

"I don't think that I cut back the duck's bill too much," replied the duck owner. "I think it was when I put his head in the vice!"

Editor's Note: Industry and commerce will continue the pursuit of efficiency and profitability into 2002. This story might just resonate for those amongst us subject to recent mergers or mergers about to happen, or for those whose preferred instrument or metering product will no longer be supported by the new mega corporation owner in pursuit of shareholder returns at any cost! Whatever happened to "synergy"?

HOW SCOTLAND WAS CREATED

At the beginning of time, God was discussing the creation of the world with
the Angel Gabriel. Leaning back in His golden throne, He told Gabriel of His
plans for Scotland.

"Gabriel," said God "I am going to give Scotland towering mountains and
magnificent glens resplendent with purple heather. Red deer will roam the
countryside, golden eagles will circle in the skies, salmon will leap in the
crystal clear rivers and lochs, and the surrounding seas will team with fish.
Agriculture will flourish and there will be a glorious coming together of
water with barley to be known as whiskey. Coal, oil and gas - all will be
there. The Scots will be intelligent, innovative, industrious and …."

"Wait a minute!" interrupted Gabriel, "Are you not being just a wee bit too
generous to these Scots?"

But the Almighty replied, "Not really. I haven't told you yet who their
neighbors are going to be!"

Editor's Note: This story has been retold and modified to please audiences in other parts of the world - including U.S.A, Canada and Mexico! I say, if the cap fits, wear it! <SMILE>

PAYING TAXES "Letter to the TAX OFFICE

Gentlemen: It is impossible for me to send you a check as you request. My present financial condition is somewhat fragile due to the effects of federal laws, state laws, county laws, city laws, corporation laws, by-laws, brothers-in-law, mother-in-law and outlaws that have been foisted on an unsuspecting public. Through these various laws, I have been held down, held up, walked on, sat on, flattened and squeezed until I don't know where I am, what I am, why I am or if I am. These laws compel me to pay an auto tax, a capital gains tax, electricity tax, gas tax, water tax, car rental tax, hotel tax, mass transit tax, cigarette tax, liquor tax, property tax, road tax, school tax, sales tax, telephone tax, valued-added tax, city income tax, state income tax, state franchise tax, federal income tax, death tax and - I almost said carpet tax. I am suspected, inspected, disrespected, examined and re-examined until all I know is that I am supplicated for money for every known need, desire or hope of the so-called human race. And because I refuse to go out and beg, borrow, or steal, I am cussed, discussed, boycotted, talked to, talked about, lied to, lied about, held up, held down, and robbed until I am plumb ruined. The only reason I am clinging to life is to see what the hell is coming next.

A Frustrated Taxpayer "

UNDERSTANDING POLITICS & BUSINESS AROUND THE WORLD

USA DEMOCRAT

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow, and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

U.S. REPUBLICAN

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

U.S. LIBERTARIAN

You have two cows. You would have more cows but the government interfered. Your cow ownership is covered by the 2nd Amendment. Everything is covered by the 2nd Amendment. You wonder what kind of drugs your cows like to use.

SOCIALIST

You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. Your cows enjoy the highest standard of living in the world.

COMMUNIST

You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for 5 hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. You give yourself a 5 cow stock option as a reward and then set up an offshore corporation to shelter the milk.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and have a bottle of wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. 40 years later you get milk.

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. They then try to invade France.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are. Not to worry. The Germans will find them for you. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You pinch her bottom. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over no matter many cows you really have.

POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA

You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Your brother gets to count the votes. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of cow experts from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

TEXAS
You have two cows. One carries a 9 mm Glock and the other carries a modified AK47. They get into an argument over football and end up shooting each other. The NRA announces that guns don't kill cows, football does. You have Corona beers and BBQ. You then have your new cowhide boots polished. Life is good.